The Love Month

One more day and it’ll be the love month again. February means two things for me, birthday and valentine. In the past, I’ve always look forward to this month coz of my birthday. Just like any babies, I’ve always love it when it’s my birthday coz it will mean parties and gifts. But as I grow older, it became an ordinary thing. For the past five years, this month has been a memorable one tho this year will surely be a different story.
After half a decade I’d celebrate this month alone. It’s sad but happy at the same time. Sadness coz I used to have someone, happy coz I’m gonna celebrate it without bitterness and somehow I’ve already moved on. It will be fun if I’d have someone to spend it with but I want to recognize this state that I might not be ready yet.
For others, it’s too easy to find someone else but it’s the opposite for me. Either coz I look too serious or too idealistic that nobody is man enough to approach me. Not setting aside the fact that it’s hard for me to fall in love the same as it’s hard for me to fall out of love. It’s funny to think that even how tough and serious I may seem to look like, I’m still a girl that’s weak inside that feels the need to have someone who they’d spend their time with.
I’ve been alittle lonely the past days, feeling empty without somebody, without him. And this love month is not helping me too maybe coz of the fact that I’ve been into an ending of “my-first-and-serious-long-term relationship” that it’s too hard for me to deal being alone especially during this times. After recovering from a total heartbreak and accepting that the past wasn’t meant to be, loneliness is the next step I need to deal with. Loneliness from not having him when I’m so used being with him and from the fact that I still haven’t found someone else.
I’ve never been in any other relationship so this is the first time I’ll ever handle heartbreak and moving on. I’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to find someone else again, or even if I’ll find him, will he find me? The first time I had my love story was when I was 17 years-old, I’ve used to believe in “first and last” thing coz I thought then that you’d only fall in love deeply once in your life. Idealistic as I was, I believed in forever love. And it seemed to be that way for almost 5 years until reality hit me and gave me my first heartbreak that almost ended my life. It was a struggle but it changed me a lot, too much that even my closest friends and family can’t believe how different I am now, which I think resulted to the better me.
Now, I’m not sure if I still believe in forever love. But I sure hope I’d still meet someone I’d fall deeply in love again and he’d feel the same in return. But now, I need to endure this loneliness until I find not “Mr.Right”, but “the one” for me. A person that’s neither perfect nor right, but will love and commit himself to me, may not be forever but as long as he is willing to. :)